The Real Women vs. the Skinny bitches

Am I the only person mildly irritated by the use of the term "real women" to refer to plus sized women?

I am hearing it more and more, and though I myself am a plus sized woman, I am more offended on behalf of my lovely skinny and average sized sisters.

You see, I've been noticing a pattern lately.  Those of us who are a bit bigger get annoyed with the skinnies, and I've heard (and said, sadly) "that skinny bitch!" more times than I care to enumerate.

We create this divide, as if women who are thin are only thin because they are obsessed with their weight, with their looks.  They eat carrots and work out 16 hours a day.  But us real women?  We don't do that.  We ENJOY life.

Because we feel judged unfairly by "the skinnies" we judge the skinnies unfairly.

But here's the thing:  they are real women too (as far as I know, anyway.  There may be some very realistic human looking robots out there) Over the years, I have learned so much.  I've seen how the daily habits of a lot of women are different that my own.  Like the amazing vegetarian woman I know who competes in approximately 322 marathons a year.  Or my sister in law, who is absolutely gorgeous and petite, who loves eating and having fun, but exercises almost every day for energy, health, and stress relief.  There's the amazing woman I know who beat brain cancer, in large part by clean eating.  Are these women self-obsessed?  Are they vain?  Are they shallow?  No, they are not.  They are STRONG.  They are dedicated to their health. They realized that taking care of your body is one of the best ways to feel good, both mentally and physically.

That is not the say there aren't plenty of skinny women who are awful to overweight women.  I think this trend has been well documented on the internet. All sorts of "fat shaming" examples.  People assuming those of us who are overweight do nothing but sit on the couch, watch movies and stuff our faces with terrible foods.  This isn't an accurate picture either.  In my experience, most women who are overweight lead active, busy, fulfilling lives.  They are often overweight because physical activity/good eating habits aren't really a focus in their lives. In looking at it this way, being overweight stops being some static, unchangeable state of being, but rather a choice to shift the focus in our lives.  

 I think the phrase "I am fat" really affects the way we understand the concept.  For the longest time, in my mind, my "fatness" was a state of being, a thing I couldn't change.  It was not a choice, just a fact.  But as it turns out, most skinny women weren't just magically gifted with skinniness.  They prioritize their health, and make it an integral part of their day.  They work hard at it, they pay attention to what they eat.  The reverse of that is that most overweight women are not just magically overweight.  We have prioritized other things in our life, often eating the most convenient food and not the most nutritious.  We may deal with our emotions by turning to food.  We may have tried to lose weight before, and because we failed, we think its not worth it.  But we are also strong in our own way.  We may be great friends, or good listeners. We're smart and tough.  We have a great sense of humor. We may even be improving our habits, but still be chubby because healthy weight loss doesn't happen overnight. But just like our skinny sisters, our weight and health is to a large extent about choice.  And even though we may feel like thin women have it easier, they are often struggling with body issues just like we are.

 So given that there is no way for us to really understand another woman's relationship with her own body, can't we give each other the benefit of the doubt?  We are all real women.  The skinny women, the chubby women, the women who go fake tanning and get plastic surgery.  The models.  We are all real women doing the best we can. In the end, we all want to feel beautiful, and for each of us, that means something different.  Instead of separating, and making ourselves feel better by putting others down, why can't we lift each other up?  At some point, in coming to terms with my body, I discovered that no matter how hard I tried, I could never hate my body enough to treat it well.  It makes sense, I suppose.  The people in your life you are willing to do the most for are generally the people you love.  And so I decided to love my body.  To accept it as it is, rolls and all.  I decided to make an effort to be healthy, to treat it well, to change my relationship with food.  Similarly, I don't feel like we can ever put other women down enough to feel good about ourselves.  In the wise words of Lindsay Lohan (first time that sentence has ever been uttered anywhere) "Calling someone fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. Ruining someone's life won't make yours any better. The only thing that you can do in life is solve the problem that's in front of you."Alright, that's from the movie Mean Girls, so it's probably Tina Fey's words, but you get the point. 

Instead of knocking other women down a peg to try and make myself feel better, I like to look at the differences between me and the women in my life as learning opportunities. I don't feel as if I am competing with them, I feel like they strengthen me. Just by seeing what they do well, and how they handle things differently, they help me.  When I am feeling like I don't want to work out, I can channel the strength of the amazing women I know who work out day in and day out. When I am feeling selfish and weak, I can channel the kindness and thoughtfulness of my husband's sister.  When I come to a situation I don't know how to handle, I can stop and think of the women I know who always seem to handle these types of situations best and think "What would _________ do?" 
I draw from their strength, and feel connected to them.

I read a story a while back about an overweight news anchor who had received a letter stating that she wasn't a good role model for young girls (http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/entertainment/2012/10/overweight-tv-anchor-jennifer-livingston-responds-to-bully/) While this is a more vocal example of this sentiment than most, it does seem to be a somewhat prevailing thought that in terms of body image, a woman can't be a role model unless she has it all perfect.

But is a person's weight what really makes them a role model?  Personally, my role models are people that behave a certain way.  People who are not perfect, who are strong, who handle challenges gracefully, who fall and get back up.  I'm pretty sure we don't have an issue with the 300 pound linemen in the NFL being role models, because we see them as strong protectors.  I think female role models can be women of any size or shape who love and accept themselves.  These are the things we should be teaching our daughters.  Not that they must be thin or perfect, but rather, that their body is their own, and it is unique, and they have no reason not to love it.  We should be teaching them healthy habits, not an obsession with the size of their clothes.  Role models should be strong confident women, whose confidence doesn't depend upon a number on a scale.  It's not to say that I necessarily feel like I should be proud that I am overweight.  I am not proud of it.  But just like anything else, it is something in my life that I am working on.  I am proud when I improve my habits, when I work towards leading a healthier life.  I am proud when I wake up every morning and make my fresh veggie juice.  I am proud that I have lost 50 lbs over the last two years, but not because I am ashamed of my body, but instead because that weight loss represents a change in the way I view my body.  Its not like when I lost 75 pounds in six months, spent all my time at the gym, ate crap food but less of it, and even after losing 75 pounds I looked in the mirror and saw nothing but a fatty.  It was unsustainable, and unhealthy.  I've learned so much since then, and even though I weigh more now than I did then, I am actually prouder of the current me. 

I suppose my point in all this is that as women, I think we should be kinder to each other, and more supportive of each others journeys.  In so many ways, we are all dealing with similar issues, just in different ways.  Skinny women don't need to be called fake or bitches.  They can just be skinny.  They are not skinny to make you feel fat.  And to the skinny women, you don't need to call us fat women names either.  You don't have to giggle about the size of our waist, or judge what's in our grocery cart.  I truly believe that I am a stronger person when I draw from the strength of the other women in my life, and I hope that by writing this blog, maybe some of you will look to the women in your life as support.

Happy Friday to you all my friends.  I hope your life is happy, and I hope spring gets here really soon.