The Opportunity Costs of Being Rotund

Two blog posts in 3 days?  Woooooah there.  Getting a little crazy up in here.  But as I sit on my couch, the beads of sweat from my evening run still grossing out my gentleman caller, inspiration struck. 

When I used to think about being overweight, I'd think "Ohhh I'm chubby!  Johnny Cool Guy isn't going to want to go out with me!" or "Now I'll never be a teen model!" (Oh wait sorry, that was Marcia Brady) My main reason for wanting to lose weight was so that other people would like me, wouldn't be grossed out by me.

Isn't it a wonder I wasn't successful?  I mean, there's no better motivation to accomplish something than to change what people you don't know or care about will think about you, right?

Well, as it turns out, not so right.

I recently read somewhere (upon further investigation to give proper props, on a Cracked.com list of 7 Scientific Reasons You'll Turn Out Just Like Your Parents) that as we get older, we are more likely to enjoy 
things that don't necessarily have a quick payoff. This is why when we're young, we like video games and nights filled with Natty light and flipcup, whereas when we get older, we start enjoying things like organizing our spice drawer and refinishing furniture. This makes logical sense, and might also help to understand why past weight loss efforts by Bethanys of diet past have failed.  Even when you work out for 2 hours, your waist doesn't automatically get smaller.  Ope, must not be worth the effort!

Despite the fact that there are lots of other great reasons to get healthy, a new big one occurred to me today.

I ran today.  It was hard.  I sweated a lot, breathed heavy, felt just a little dizzy.  It wasn't particularly pleasant to be running down a street in my neighborhood in this manner. 

However, when I was done, I felt amazing.  Had I not ran, I might have done a load of laundry, sat on the couch and watched tv, eaten some junk food, and felt my night complete.

Like so often is the case for us overweight people, food brings you joy.  In any situation, we immediately think of the food that goes along with it.  You're getting married?  Sweet, what kind of cake?  Your son is getting circumcised?  Sweet, what kind of cake? (Okay, might not be applicable in that context) But the point is that when food is the main thing that brings you joy in life, you aren't as likely to seek out other things.  If you can be happy sitting at home eating 3 cupcakes and watching eighties movies, why keep searching for other reasons to be happy?  If food is keeping you happy, you just might not notice that all your pants are too small and your body requires it's own zip code.  That you're skipping out on things you want to do because you don't have the energy, or are afraid people will judge you. 

This, my friends, is the thing I am no longer willing to accept.

You see, I do love food, and I always will.

But...there are so many other joys in life to pursue.  Relationships with amazing friends.  New experiences.  Helping others. Passion.  Conquering challenges.  Dressing up in clown suits.  Career success.  Family.  Learning.  Shopping for your wedding dress without mortal fear.  Things that require physical endurance.  There are so many places to see and things to experience in this world.

I suppose it's a cliche, for a reason.  When I look back at my life, I don't want to think about all the nights I spent at home watching movies and hiding from the world.

I want to think about the people I've loved, the things I've learned, the experiences I've had.

And so even though it's hard for me to run, and to take good care of myself...I'm going to do it.

Because even if it doesn't have the instant payoff of eating a glorious dessert, or a particularly awesome burger, in the end, being healthy means my life will be full of a lot more opportunities for joy.

And that's damn good motivation for me.

Happy Monday my friends!

Be kind!

Alright, 3 people who will read this.

It's time for some tough love.  Bullying has become the latest buzzword when talking about kids.  Whether you agree with the hype or not, it's true that bullying has been going on forever.  There's probably a stone carving of some kids pointing and laughing at another kid who wet his loin cloth.

I could write a full blog about the bullying phenomenon as it is, but I'll spare you the rant.  But as I've been thinking about it, it occurred to me that bullying doesn't seem to stop as we grow older.  In fact, in a way, most of us seem to be bullies as adults, as well.  If someone is fatter than us, she's a hoss.  If she's skinnier, she's anorexic.  If they're smarter, it's fake.  If they have a better paying job, it's a fluke.  If they're driving too fast, they're maniacs.  If they're driving too slow they're assholes.  If they like Nickelback, they're sheep.  If they paint their nails black, they're freaks.  If they don't like you, they're stupid.  The list goes on and on.  This pattern of judging other people to feel better about ourselves doesn't seem to stop, even once we're old enough to know better.

So my plea in this post is simply: Try to be kind.

Our culture has come to believe that people are nice because they are weak, because they are too scared to be tough.  Nice is weak, mean is strong.

And perhaps this is true.  Perhaps we should avoid "nice" which is defined as "pleasing, agreeable and delightful."  Instead, we should strive to be kind.  Kindness is defined as  "of a good or benevolent nature or disposition, as a person."

Perhaps the difference seems unimportant, but it is not.  Being nice is fake.  We are saying the thing we think that person wants to hear so as not to hurt their feelings.  We are withholding our actual mean opinions, and saying what it seems like we should.  Kindness is much harder.  Kindness involves asking yourself why you're being mean.  What is it about the other person that makes you think something mean about them?  Chances are, it has little to do with them, and a great deal more to do with you.  You call the other person stupid to make yourself feel smarter.  We decide that skinny girl is a slut so that we can feel like we have the upper hand personalitywise even if she's prettier.  In being mean to others, we are often really dealing with our own insecurity. 

It's been tough for me, it's so easy to be mean, so easy to judge.  I still struggle with it.  I still like to ridicule people, still rush to judgment, still say awful things.  No one will ever be perfect.  But in judging the lives others lead, we get to bypass judging our own.  Kindness forces us to look at other people as people.  That guy isn't just dumb, that girl isn't just obnoxious.  He or she is a person, who has made choices, who has heartbreaks, weaknesses, difficulties.  We tend to ignore the human aspects of the people we don't know, they just become things to compare ourselves to.  But each person, whether you know them or not, is battling through the experience of life, just like you are.  They have sick family members, they are struggling with school, trying to get a good job, trying to find happiness.  They may be like you, they may not.  They may be good people, they may not.  But we all are dealing with pain, and in most cases we have no idea what kind of pain other people are dealing with.   

The poem Desiderata tells us "If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself."  Our meanness is often about comparing ourselves with others so we don't have to think about them being happier, prettier, more successful than us.  Accepting that I am not the most extraordinary person in the world in every way is difficult, but what a freedom it is.  Instead of trying to be better than others, we can be the most extraordinary version of ourselves.  Isn't that so much more rewarding?  If you think about it, a lot of the issues in our culture come from our tendency to look at and judge what the others aren't doing instead of looking at what we are doing.  In politics, it's okay for our side to be shady because the other side is being shady. Campaigns are often based on what the other party is doing wrong instead of presenting what your party will do right.  In the end, how does that help at all?  All it creates is a group of people who don't need to actually do well, they just need to convince us that the alternative is worse.

I don't want to get too preachy, or accusatory.  I know we all do the best we can. But maybe some of us aren't even aware when we do it, I know I wasn't for a long time.  It seems we could all use a little more kindness in our lives. 

When we talk about bullying, perhaps we shouldn't just focus on the victims but should also focus on the bullyers.  What is it that makes them need to put others down? I read an article about a new disciplinary approach that greatly affected the number of expulsions, suspensions, and referrals greatly at a particular school.  The crazy new approach involved the principal saying to the kids that got into trouble "So, you were skipping class.  This doesn't seem like you, what's been going on?"  Apparently, this helped immensely.  It's baffling to wonder how many tragedies would be avoided, how many lives changed if we just showed kids, even the trouble makers, some kindness.

The same applies for us grown ups too.  Perhaps we temporarily feel better when we are mean to others-but it is so much better-for us and them, if we are kind.

And so, my plea, after this long and arduous ramble, is to please do the best you can to be kind to others.  Whether others notice or not, whether there's anything in it for you, kindness is such a gift.  In the end, we all need kindness sometimes.  We are all stupid sometimes, we all make bad decisions, we all act selfish, we all like at least one really terrible band.  In the end, judging others won't change that.   

I hope you all are well, and keeping cool.